It has taken me several years of working with this material to get to the place where this statement jumped out at me. I am beginning to understand how the many times I heard this statement, and others similar to it, my mind immediately began to throw up objections and rationalizations that gave me permission to withhold my Love and stay in the energy of anger and fear towards others. It is now almost shocking to me that I could have resisted this so strongly when all it does is open the possibility of seeing more of the Love that is already in my life. I am amazed that I wanted to resist this so strongly for so long. I have been thinking since last night about what it is that has had me running away from Love, while convincing myself that all I wanted was Love.
The only answer I have found is that I must be unaware of holding on to negative beliefs about myself, or beliefs about negative things which will happen, if I stay consciously connected to Love. This baffled me. What could possibly be bad or negative about staying consciously connected to Love? So I sat with the thought and tried to reason through this. If I come from Love, am made of Love, and I am Love, then what could possibly be bad about staying consciously aware of that truth? I did not have any luck reasoning through this, so I went about my daily activities and then it hit me.
It is related to one of the quotes from the lecture last week and last night. "All you are asked to do is let the truth in. Remove the false and all blocks to the truth." The truth must be that I am holding on to negative beliefs which have nothing to do with Love and my actual value as a person, but which are so painful and so hidden from my conscious awareness that I am blocking myself from even seeing them. I must be so afraid of them that I won't even let myself see them.
With this in mind I went into a session with a friend of mine, in which we trade services and do energy work on each other. I could not think of anything consciously that was bothering me so I asked her to test my energy system to see if she could find anything. When she found something and we processed it, I was led to remember one of the "worst" times in my young life. I had gone to college reluctantly and ended up at a small catholic college where there was, what I thought of as, a ridiculous amount of alcohol, drug and sexual abuse. I was a "young for my age" freshman and sophomore, and I was mentally and spiritually agonizing about "my faith", God, the priests and other clergy, the bible, etc., etc. This time in my life is what many would call, "a dark night of the soul", because I was so unhappy and felt so hopeless about ever resolving those dilemmas and issues. For me it went beyond simple questions like, "What is the meaning of life?".
The real problem for me was that I craved Love, compassion and a way to spread that around, and create a community of Love and compassion. Yet, the people who were supposed to be the guardians of Love and compassion, those who were supposed to be teaching the tools for creating a community and spreading it around, were some of the most angry, prejudiced, deceitful and unhappy people I had ever known. Today as I was letting myself remember that time of my life, I cried and breathed. As I did so, I began to remember more and more about how sad and trapped I felt. I began to remember how almost every attempt I made to read, study, discuss, listen and explore those issues, was met with ridicule, deceit and disappointment. Today I let myself remember some of the conclusions I reached and then buried in my thoughts about how I must be doing something wrong. Conclusions about how I must be unworthy to have the Love and compassion in my life that I yearned for so strongly.
Now that I have let myself look at those memories and conclusions, it is easy to see how I was just a nineteen year old "boy", who was being driven by idealism and "blockage of personal error", to reach false conclusions about myself and the world. Now that I let myself remember the painful internal events of that time, it is easy to see how they are silly and false, because I also remember other immature or "unripe" conclusions I held at that time, which seem silly to me today. As is the case with so many of the things I have remembered from the past, which were scary to get myself to examine, they seem trivial and obvious once I bring them to the light of day and my conscious awareness.
As I write this note today I feel a little more connected to the Love that is in all things. I feel grateful to the people in the group last night who each did their own work at exploring hidden negative feelings and choosing to consciously connect to the Love that they are made of. I am grateful to people like Dr. Michael and Jeanie Ryce who have devoted their lives to spreading the knowledge of the tools which can help anyone uncover the false realities they have created which block them from feeling and living in conscious awareness of the Love they are made of.
Thank you all!
We come from Love, we are made of Love, we are Love! Everything else is false.
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